A word of warning, if you are easily offended don’t read this post. At all.
Who are you?
When asked this question I’m always reminded of the hookah smoking caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland. Blowing smoke rings and asking Alice who she thinks she is, and then proceeds to tell her she isn’t actually Alice - at least not yet.
I feel like that a lot. I know who I am but am I really projecting that person the world around me. The short answer is of course not. We all censor ourselves for various reasons and in various situations. Then a Facebook friend of mine posted something the other day that made me say Enough. She basically posted a warning to all of her friends that said if you choose to say Fuck in any of your posts, I will block you. It is an immature word and I don’t want to see it or have my family see it. I read that, then re-read it and couldn’t help but think how immature of HER, a grown woman, to try and tell her friends what was acceptable to post so it didn’t offend her delicate sensibilities. I decided to post this in response:
And it felt amazing. Not because I wanted to retaliate, but because it’s what I felt, at that moment, after reading that post. I’m done censoring myself online or anywhere else for that matter because people may not like what I have to say. This is me, take me or leave me. It’s exhausting to play at being yourself or pretend to be someone you aren’t.
So who am I?
I am an artist.
I am a belly dancer.
I am an emotional mess.
I know it’s possible to love more than one person at the same time.
I fucking love someone I will never again be with, and I’m ok with that.
I hear certain songs and my heart falls out of my chest.
I wanted to be a geneticist.
It’s better that I’m not. I probably would have started the zombie apocalypse.
I am educated.
I never use the degree I went to school for and wasted a lot of money getting.
I am in a fucking endless loop of going to a job I hate and then going home and being too exhausted to do my actual work.
I am a runner.
I am a kick ass motivator of people, but find it hard to apply it to myself.
I sometimes wish I lived a life of solitude
I hate money
Hypocrites suck and I’m done being one in the virtual world.
I used to cut myself because physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain.
That last sentence was only a partial truth. I never could actually break the skin; just push the knife down really hard into my flesh.
My every waking and non-waking moment is haunted by Brett.
I hate myself for that
I wish I could Eternal Sunshine my mind and take him out of it, even if it didn’t end well. A few moments of peace would be worth it.
I love my husband for understanding.
I sometimes wish I never had my daughter.
Anyone who reads that last statement and condemns me for it is either lying to themselves or doesn’t have kids.
I dislike most people
I am rude and mean and sarcastic
I’ve built so many walls I don’t know how to tear them all down
I look at my beige office and want to take paint and run down the hall throwing it everywhere
Crayons are a girl’s best friend.
I am a nature loving freak
I am not religious
Religion is about power
Religion therefore corrupts
I am aware correlation does not equal causation
I am spiritual
I don’t care who or what you worship as long as you keep it to yourself
I hate shoes.
I would wear yoga pants or hippie skirts and tank tops all day every day if I could
My hair is turning grey at 35
I’m ok with that
Halloween is the high holiday in my world
Coffee is my god
I still believe in Fairies
Homemade vegetable beef soup is the best thing in the world
I don’t have imaginary friends anymore
That makes me sad
This was the hardest and most satisfying post I've ever written
What is the takeaway from all of this? Embrace yourself – your whole self, all the messy parts and parts you don’t love and parts other people will never love and just be you. Because being anyone other than yourself sucks donkey balls. Quit censoring yourself and see how much better things become. You may lose friends or acquaintances, but you will be gaining so much more.So readers, who are you?